23/4/14

You know that feeling? You know...that feeling. The feeling way deep inside of you, that scares you because of all the things you know it holds. Like pain, and stress, defeat, humility, happiness and fulfillment. This one little 'feeling' holds those and more. You continuously, every day, say to it, "Halt die Klappe!" But it still nags you. Filling your head with all the thoughts, all the ideas. This feeling tells you, "Be courageous, be brave. It will be worth it." You reply with, "Will it? Will it be worth it to be brave and put myself out in the world? Do you know what you're asking? You're asking me to get hurt." 

This feeling, it begs us to put our heads into the clouds and dream of what could be, then to come back down and make those dream a reality. This feeling begs us to be so much more than what we are to get what we so desperately want. It tells us that a little pain is worth the chance, because if you never try, you'll never know. We say over and over again, I can't, I can't. This feeling scoffs and replies cooly with, "You can't, or you're afraid to try?" 

That stabs us, and the knife twists around in our flesh pulling millions of cells apart. No matter how timid or shy or introverted we are, every one of us knows that deep inside us, we want to try. We know that feeling is right, that we can, but we are afraid to try. We say to ourselves 'You can't trust feelings. They're not reality', but that feeling, with its soft words laced with ridicule tell you 'Oh, but you can trust me. I am good, I am brave, you are not.' 

Everything you had built up in the few moments between your words and that feeling's, the walls of stubbornness ready to stand against this bombard of conflict rapidly dissolved as that feeling's words sank into you like a hook into a fish. You know that you can't trust feelings, not all  the time. But this one, this one feeling, can't you trust it? It holds promises of bravery and happiness, but it also holds promises of defeat and humility. Does the good outweigh the bad in this situation? 

You know that feeling. The feeling you're always fighting, though you know one day you will lie down in defeat and let it consume you. That feeling that makes you weaker every morning. That feeling that whispers constantly into your ear that bravery is good, just go for it. That feeling that you hold onto for dear life because if it left you would crumble. 

You know that feeling.