Why.

Hello.

I haven't written in a few days so here I am, taking the advantage of my in-the-moment inspiration. 

As some of you may know, I have experienced quite a bit of sorrow in the past year and a half. A lot. I have experienced an unexplainable amount of self-hatred and depression. I have sat in a mundane and dark state of mind for a long time. I have physically hurt my body because I hated who I was so much. If you have read this blog, you know this. 

Today I come to you a new person. 

Not new actually, I am the same person with a different heart and mind and body. 

I feel the desire to tell you why I do the things I do now, because that's Kaydee. She tells you what you don't really care about.

Why do I lift? 

I lift. Weights, as heavy as I can get, and I cut fat and define muscles. Why? Because when you have gone such a long time hating yourself, you want to finally appreciate you. When you have numerous bright scars on your legs, you at least want those legs to look good. I put work into my physical appearance because it makes me feel good. And we all need to feel that way. I spend time working out the hurt in my heart (because there is so freaking much) by lifting metal numerous times. I don't do it because I am vain and conceited, I do it because I want to like myself. Vanity and self-appreciation are two different things. You shouldn't humble yourself so much that you can't stand to be alive. That's not humility, that is disregarding God's work.

Why do I write?

To be frank, because my mind would explode. My mind moves so quickly that it becomes overwhelming. Also. The aforementioned hurt can not only be filtered through exercise. I am grieving right now as if someone died. And it hurts. No one has died, but I lost someone I loved dearly because they were idiotic and self-absorbed. Putting me in a situation in which I had no other choice but to lose them has hurt me more than I have ever been. I write because I have to explain that hurt to someone. Even if it is a blank page only seen by Jesus. I write to figure out who Kaydee Merritt is, and who she will be, and why she is who she is.

Thanks for your diligent reading of this unorganized and poorly written blog. This is truly my favorite place to be, and it is more than encouraging to see how many people read this. Thank you Jesus, for loving me more than anyone else does, and thank you for making me.