4-29-14

         I've been in vacation since last Thursday, so I apologize for my absence after I promised to write daily. It's so hard to write while you are on vacation because you get an oppurtunity to write, but you also have the choice to take a nap, and of course you go with the latter because you're on vacation. I've been out in a cabin deep in the woods by a beautiful lake, and I have had extremely spotty wifi. Right now I have a steady supply so I am writing while I have the chance...

     I am staying in a town Kimberling City, MO which is about 15 miles from Branson. We have gone down to lake almost every day, not to swim because it is tooooo cold. But we've walked through the water and skipped rocks through the waves. It is so beautiful! We went to a place called 'The Branson Landing' which is an outdoor mall along a lake. It have a fountain show every hour  with lights and music which is quite etertaining. We also went to a wax museum that was interesting, but definitely not worth our money. Today was the best so far though! We went to Sight & Sound Theatres and saw an extraordinary performance of the story of Jonah. It was exquisite. So intricate and beautiful. The singing was amazing. It was so good and worth the money! It was beautiful. 

Vacation is pretty radical. I like it, but I am  missing my friends at home. A whole lot. 3 more weeks until I am back to eatin out and watching movies! More later, I'm tired! 

23/4/14

You know that feeling? You know...that feeling. The feeling way deep inside of you, that scares you because of all the things you know it holds. Like pain, and stress, defeat, humility, happiness and fulfillment. This one little 'feeling' holds those and more. You continuously, every day, say to it, "Halt die Klappe!" But it still nags you. Filling your head with all the thoughts, all the ideas. This feeling tells you, "Be courageous, be brave. It will be worth it." You reply with, "Will it? Will it be worth it to be brave and put myself out in the world? Do you know what you're asking? You're asking me to get hurt." 

This feeling, it begs us to put our heads into the clouds and dream of what could be, then to come back down and make those dream a reality. This feeling begs us to be so much more than what we are to get what we so desperately want. It tells us that a little pain is worth the chance, because if you never try, you'll never know. We say over and over again, I can't, I can't. This feeling scoffs and replies cooly with, "You can't, or you're afraid to try?" 

That stabs us, and the knife twists around in our flesh pulling millions of cells apart. No matter how timid or shy or introverted we are, every one of us knows that deep inside us, we want to try. We know that feeling is right, that we can, but we are afraid to try. We say to ourselves 'You can't trust feelings. They're not reality', but that feeling, with its soft words laced with ridicule tell you 'Oh, but you can trust me. I am good, I am brave, you are not.' 

Everything you had built up in the few moments between your words and that feeling's, the walls of stubbornness ready to stand against this bombard of conflict rapidly dissolved as that feeling's words sank into you like a hook into a fish. You know that you can't trust feelings, not all  the time. But this one, this one feeling, can't you trust it? It holds promises of bravery and happiness, but it also holds promises of defeat and humility. Does the good outweigh the bad in this situation? 

You know that feeling. The feeling you're always fighting, though you know one day you will lie down in defeat and let it consume you. That feeling that makes you weaker every morning. That feeling that whispers constantly into your ear that bravery is good, just go for it. That feeling that you hold onto for dear life because if it left you would crumble. 

You know that feeling.

Dreams

Good morning my wonderful readers! 

Before I get into what I want to talk about, I want to tell you how happy this blog makes me, how happy seeing that people looked at it makes me. You guys are truly the best! 

     The past several days I have seen many pictures and blog posts about doing what you've always wanted, and being afraid of failing. I feel like I need to share with you all a little about dreams, what mine are, and how important putting those dreams into reality is. 

      Let's start with the basics: what is a dream? I am not talking about dreams you have at night, I'm talking about what you have always wanted to do. A dream, in this sense, is a deep desire and/or passion. Every human has some sort of passion, we don't always know what it is right away, but some know it from the time they are little. My brother Troy is a fabulous example of knowing your dream young. When he was 18 months, he saw a plane fly over and was mesmerized. Ever since that day, my brother has been obsessed with planes and flying. Almost annoyingly so. And in May, he is graduating with a degree in aviation AND his commercial pilot liscence at the age of 21, after which he will gain flying hours and become a commercial airline pilot. He followed his dream. 

     I believe that God has given us these dreams, these passions. I believe they are a gift to us, among all the other gifts He's given (love, mercy, salvation, eternal life). These dreams aren't only for us, they are for Him. He wants us to use them to Glorify Him, change people's hearts toward Him. He wants us to follow our dreams and shine His light to the world through whatever our dream is. Whether it be a stay at home mommy, working on the oil rigs, joining the military, spreading the gospel to foreign countries. All our dreams are meant to be used to honor our Lord and savior. 

Dreams have a purpose, and dreams, they are worth living for.  

'If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as Michaelangelo painted or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, 'Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.' -Martin Luther King, Jr. 

      I have dreams and passions. What are they? I dream to become a writer. I am a writer, but I want to become a writer. A writer who has books published, who has people who read them all over. People who enjoy my books so much that they read them over and over again like I have read others. I thought for a while that medicine was my dream, I was going to become a nurse because the dream a being a writer seemed impossible. But I thought, how can it be impossible if Emily Bronte and Veronica Roth and J. R. R. Tolkien became writers? A nurse is not who I am, a writer is. I want to also be a mother who invests all her time into her children while she accomplishes her dream. I want to teach them and show them love and always be there for them. Lastly, I want to be a light of Christ. I want everyone to look at me and not see me, but see Christ and His goodness. 

These are my dreams, what are yours? Feel free to share! 

Don't forget, owl be hawkard, so should you. ;) 

Be Strong in the Lord

     Life is hard. Everyone says it, and it's true. Especially when you're a teenager, you're trying to figure things out. Figure out what you're supposed to do, how you're supposed to act. And then you make mistakes and you hurt people you love on accident. People judge you for the mistakes you made, like you made them on purpose. As if you set out to do this thing and have it be a mistake. They judge you for hurting people, and you judge them for hurting people. You lay in bed at night trying so hard to say it's okay, that this isn't the end, that it will work out.  Life is bigger than this mistake or problem, but how are we supposed to know how big life is when we've only live 16 years of it in the same town? To our short lives and inexperience, hurting a friend by saying something wrong feels really big. Getting your heart broken because you were slightly more naive last year and believed you could prove the world wrong and love at 15. Saying the wrong thing to the wrong people feels like you just ruined your life. Getting a C on a chemistry test feels like your whole desire in life went down the drain because you don't understand significant figures and because of that won't do good enough in  nursing school. Something always makes you feel terrible about yourself, about life. Whatever it is, sometimes it is crippling and painful, somethimes it is dull and achey. But the happiness and serenity you have will only always last momentarily, then the pain and aching comes back. That is life.

 

     Then there is the side where your insides, your heart and soul are constantly in contradiction. You want to be brave and courageous, take a step out there, not worrying about getting stepped on because broken bones heal, and so do hearts. You want to be adventurous and travel the world, experience what it's like to live outside of your box and say you've been to this many foreign countries. But you know the pain of getting stepped on and how much it hurts, you know that being adventurous means leaving people you love behind, and you know how safe and sure your box really is and that there is a reason you are in it. You tell yourself, I'm going to be happy and nothing is going to let me down today, and then for whatever reason, today you aren't happy. Even if you told yourself you are. You tell yourself, today I am going to be persistent and courageous, and then you get out of the shower without any motivation to get dressed and filled with the fear of living. You tell yourself, I am going to love, and then all of the hurt comes back and tells you, you can't love, you're damaged goods. Your heart is constantly fighting inside of you. Satan is always bringing back all the pain and sadness while God is giving you courage, hope, and joy, and yourself is just standing there crying and writhing because you're being stabbed over and over again in your previous scars while the Doctor is stitching them back up. You're trying to pick up all the right pieces to your puzzle, the ones God is giving you, but every time you bend over to pick one up, Satan is taking them and replacing them with his. Ones that look like they fit, but once your try to place them it doesn't work.  

This doesn't just apply to teens trying to figure out life, I've learned. It applies to adults, children, men, women, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters. Because, guess what? Everyone is figuring out life, and no one ever will. Sure, maybe bits and pieces here and there, but as a whole? We will never be able to figure that out. 

'God is at war with Satan, not us. We're just stuck in the middle.' - Dr. Tony Evans (paraphrased) 

Finally, my brethren, be strong in the Lord, and in the power of his might. Put on the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness; And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace; Above all, taking the shield of faith, wherewith ye shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God: Praying always with all prayer and supplication in the Spirit, and watching thereunto with all perseverance and supplication for all saints; 

Ephesians 6:10-18 

Book Review

eBook or paper? This is a question I have been struggling with since I got my nook on my 14th birthday. My original one spazzed out but luckily I still had a few months on my warranty and got it replaced. Then I lost the replacement in a hotel. My mom gave me hers when she got an iPad. I love love love my Nook because its so convenient and light, I can carry it in my purse without it feeling like a back pack. But I love the feel of a real book and having a miniature library in my room. 

The books I am reading now are:

The Book Thief- Markus Zusak 

The Hobbit- J. R. R. Tolkien 

The Emporer of all Maladies- Siddhartha Mukherjee  

I've recently finished the Divergent Series by Veronica Roth. I heavily recommend these! They were so good and written so well! She writes in a way that leaves a lot of the scenery to your imagination. The last book, Allegiant, will tear you to pieces. You have to read it, to know how it ends, but you will hate it afterward. 

     I also finished The Fault in our Stars by John Green. A M A Z I N G. It had more cussing than I expected, but it in no way ruins the experience. I definitely recommend that one as well! Of course, the ending will make you cry, but once you read it it will make sense it ended that way. 

If you have any suggestions on what to read, please feel free to comment them below, let me know which you prefer: eBook or paper! Also, don't forget to follow me on Instagram and Twitter! 

Owl be hawkward, so should you ;) 

Words

Awesome New Gadget

     Just a little post to point something out to you! Thanks to Victoria at birdieoiseau, if you look to the right of my blog, you will see new buttons that lead you directly to my social media websites! I was super excited to find this out...and Victoria totally showed me how to do it via email. Honestly I'm a bit more excited about this than I probably should be, but you know what? I don't care. This blog is my foot-in-the-door to the writing world and every little thing that can make it more successful pleases me. The more followers I get on Instagram and Twitter due to this blog, the happier I will be. The more views I get the better. Maybe someday this little blog will lead me to a YouTube channel, and then once I turn eighteen, this blog may be a small income for me. All in all, this blog is important to me, and my very nerdy writer self gets exuberant when my blog is slightly better. 

     Also, I would like to announce that my wonderful little blog made it to over 1,000 views, with viewers from 10 different countries! Thank you to each and everyone of you who have read this blog. It blows my mind that people would actually care about what I write. Someday I hope to have a book or two for you all. 

remember, owl be hawkward, so should you!

2-4-14

Yesterday it hit me: this is your last month of school.

Not just for the year, but possibly for my high school education. What?! How can that even be? I'm not even 16 1/2, and my high school education is over. In the autumn, I will be attending college level English and math classes. Whether online or at the university.

Up until two days ago I was happily flying through life with little thought on what I was going to do next. I had almost decided on going into nursing when two days ago my mom read a short story I wrote for my English class. She came to me and said I should forget science and get an English major. Now I am leaning that direction. What am I going to do with my life? It is the question that looms over every teenager's head and rarely do we know the answer. 

In a month I will be traveling with my family to Springfield, Missouri for my parents' college reunion. After that week, we are traveling to North Dakota to see my brother walk the line. 3 weeks later is the week of Youth Camp, and then my glorious, long awaited and hard-worked for flight to Germany. 

This month is the last month my life will be sane.

But in everything that is going to happen, owl still be hawkward, so should you ;) 

Instagram: 

@kaydeeelizz

Twitter: 

@owlbehawkward