i am going on an adventure

I sit here in the middle of my bedroom floor, half packing and watching Sherlock. I think about how tomorrow is my last day being at home for the next 25 days. I think about how utterly fantastic those next days will be, how adventurous and unbelievable. I think about how I have already made new friends through this trip and how I will get to know them so much better by Monday night. I think about all the laughs we will have, the bonds we will make, the memories that will be created and never forgotten for a lifetime. I think about how nervous I am about getting through airport security smoothly and without losing anything. I think about the possibility that my suitcase will be raided and I will lose things. I think about the morning I arrive, the hugs and the giant smile I will have on my face. I think about the awe I will experience at being in such a beautiful and foreign country. 

I also think about home. I think about my friends and how much I will miss them. I think about all the things they will do together and the jokes that will be made that I am not apart of. I think about how they can't be in on the life-changing experience with me. I think about how selfish I feel for taking this trip because every one of them deserves a break and an adventure just as much as I do. I think about my family, how they all wish they could come with me but must let me do this alone. I think about my little sister and what I can see in her that says, 'When will it be my turn to grow up? When will I be able to do fun things on my own?'. Selfish feelings run through me and fill me with guilt because I want to give this trip to others, and at the same time keep it for myself. I think about how I don't deserve this trip at all, because of what I have done, all the mistakes. I think about how I will miss my closest friends and family so entirely much, and how little souvenirs won't make up for their desire to adventure too.

 

I have this trip. I have no reason to feel guilty or selfish because I worked very hard for this. I have wanted this for more than a year. It is an unbelievable opportunity that only a few 16 year olds get. God knows that I don't deserve this, but He loves me enough to give me a break from my heart racked with pain to fill it with fun and adventure. I have Him to thank, and it blows my mind that He would be gracious enough to give me such a huge blessing like this.

I am overwhelmed, excited, amazed. 

This is probably my last post until I come home. And then I will share every story I experience with you all. I will miss you, little blog, but I am going on adventure. I will see you when I get back! 

the struggle is real

A conversation with a friend this morning:

Me: Why do we struggle so much with being in God's Word? It's so good, why do we act like it's school work we dread? We love other people, and it's easy to talk/listen to them. If we love God, it should be just as easy. Why do we struggle to read His encouraging, uplifting Word and talk to Him and give Him our burdens? We don't have to carry them around like we do...He says "Come, my yoke is easy, my burden is light...", why do we walk around with all the weight on our shoulders when we can walk lightly with Him? 

Emily: Do you know I was literally JUST thinking about this? I haven't read yet this morning or prayed...and yet I feel so stressed out...so why am I putting off talking to the God that will make me feel better? I was just thinking about that verse that says, "Cast all your burdens on Him because He cares for you..."

Me: Yeah! I mean, it just hit me as I did my Bible study...it makes me feel so full and peaceful and loved, all the good things I absolutely need every day of my life...yet I always act like someone will be ripping my nails out when I need to read.

Emily: THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL. Like I've been putting off reading all day...like it was my least favorite chore...but my heart wants to read and I don't want to take the time...Also I feel like Satan is trying to distract me because there's a few people I feel like God is wanting to use me in their life but if I'm out of God's word then I won't notice the opportunities or not have the right word to say. 



This conversation probably represents all young Christians' thoughts on being faithful. Satan is out to get us and throws millions of distractions to divert our path of growth. We, instead of looking forward to the quiet time with our Savior are filled with dread and unwillingness. Not because we necessarily dread it, but Satan tricks us into loving other things more than our devotions. He has fiery arrows of different lengths and temperatures he is shooting at us daily. We are constantly being torn down by the world and all that is in it. Everything is against us, even our nature. We struggle daily to fight the temptations, distractions, and lies. We have a real struggle folks.

But my dear reader,
Whether you struggle with the habit of reading your Bible daily and laying your burdens at the feet of Jesus, or you don't know that you can lay your burdens at His feet, please know this: Jesus loves you more than He loves anything. He gave His life for you. Jesus will forgive you every single time you ask Him to. He will never leave you. He knows what your struggles are, He knows how to help you. Please don't forget that, please don't ignore it. Come to Him and rest, cast your burdens on Him. Jesus wants you more than you could ever fathom and He is eagerly awaiting your arrival. Come to Him, all who are weary and weak, and He will give you rest. He will lift those heavy weights off your shoulders and throw them into the deepest of seas, give you a cold glass of water to drink and the most savory of breads, and tell you of His love for you. Tell you that He has been waiting an eternity for your arrival, that He has a magnificent plan for your existence, and that He will never, ever let go of you.

Dear Daddy,

Thank you. Thank you for doing all that you do, for leading your family, for living a God-honoring life. Thank you for setting the example of what a father should be, for what a husband should be. Thank you, for loving me in my darkest days. For putting your arms around me and telling me you love me. Thank you, for making me feel beautiful when I wanted to hate myself. Thank you, so much, for being my Daddy. 

I couldn't want a better father. I will always be your little girl, even if I am off in another country. You always make me feel wanted and loved, even in the most subtle of ways. When you hike up rocks with me to watch the moon rise, when you make me feel strong by asking me to do hard work, when you give me flowers on special days, when you buy me pretty smelling candles. 

Then there are the obvious ways of showing your love. When you hold me tight while I cry, when you tell me that I am too good for anyone, when you pray with me. There is never, ever going to be a doubt in my mind that you love me, and I hope there is never a doubt in yours that I love you. I will always love you, Dad. Forever.

You have been through so much while you have been a father. You have watched your wife nearly die, along with your first baby girl. You have buried a beautiful and sweet daughter. You have had your heart broken into a million pieces, you have been filled with pride for the accomplishments of your sons, you have had a hole in your heart filled up by a beautiful, curly-headed girl. You've faced cancer, you've faced discouragement, you've faced sadness and heart break.  

Dad, through all of this, you have shown me a million things. Here are a few: 

-You've shown me life is not always easy, and sometimes you can't be happy, but that doesn't mean you can't keep going. 

-You've shown me to work hard and do things alll the way. 

-You've shown me that I can be stronger through suffering 

-You've shown me that honoring God is the only important and worth-while thing in life. 

-You've shown me that there is a God who loves me no matter what.

-You've shown me that I can get back up and keep going. 

-You've shown me how to trust God with everything in me.

There are so many more things that I have learned from you, like how to properly use a staple gun and split fire wood (although I am not very good at it), and there are so many more things I will learn from you. 

You and I, we have seen each other at our lowest points in life. You have been there for me more than any one (besides mom of course). I am so so so thankful I have you. I am so blessed to have a father who loves me and treats me right. My heart breaks for those who don't have a father like you, and I am so much more than grateful for God's mercy in giving me you. 

Daddy, you are such a godly example to me and my siblings. You've taught us the love of God throughout our lives and have shown us what His love looks like through your actions. You shine the light of God every day, you work hard to make sure His word is known. You not only teach me God's word but you also teach a congregation. You are the best at being my Dad, and I can't say enough how thankful I am for you. 

Thank you, for being my Daddy. I love you so much. Happy Father's Day. 

Hannah Marie: 1990-2003

My Sweet Hannah, 

Although your time on this earth was short and not-so-sweet, I am thankful for you. There are so many things I want to say, and so many things I wish we could do, but you are with Jesus, and that is for the better. 

I am thankful that your suffering was short, although it was great. You were Jesus' little secret. No one knew your heart, or who you would have become except Him. You were so absolutely lovely that He kept you all to Himself. I would have done the same, precious sister. 

I wish we could have spent our lives learning together, arguing, growing up. I wish you could have been here for me to love, to put my heart in to caring for you. I also wish you could have been here for me in the hard times, advising me and supporting me. I wish I could have lived my whole with you as my big sister, always looking up to you. 

In the end, that is not what happened. God had a different plan for you and I. A plan that included heart break, pain and suffering, multiple surgeries and medicine. A plan that included your death, and my prayer of being an older sister being answered. God's plan was much sweeter than we could have come up with, and I am thankful for knowing you the short while that I did. 

Happy 24th birthday, Hannah Marie. I love you, and can't wait to see you at the gates of Heaven. 

I won't give up on You

I am trying not to give up this week. I am trying not let fatigue and sadness rule me. I am trying to stay positive and not quit this long race I chose to run. I am trying to run through the pain, trying to find the motivation to run faster and farther. I am trying not to give up.

But I am struggling with why. 

Why keep running when I am oh so weak? 

Why keep running when sadness formed weights at my ankles? 

Why not just stop right where I am at and turn around? 

Why not let depression and self-hate swallow me up again? 

I can't give you an answer because I am still searching. I won't give up today, I will run a little farther. I won't worry about what faces me tomorrow or the next week, I will focus on breathing evenly and counting my steps. I don't know why I will, but I will. I will face today with the strength I can muster. I will wrap up my knees and run today's race. 

But he gives more grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. (James 4:6-10)

Forever a Twihard

I was eleven years of age when Edward Cullen came into my life. I was perhaps a bit young to be reading such novels, but my mother had read them before me and approved. I read all 4 five hundred page books in a week. I have been in love ever since. 

A family friend recommended them to my mom, and after she read them I died of curiosity and asked to read them. To my advantage, I got grounded while reading and spent the entire time finishing the series. I have no idea what is in that Saga that appeals to me so much. But since I have read them, I have been obsessed, and probably unhealthily so. Here's to you, Stephanie Meyer, and to your brilliance! 

People have made fun of Twilight since the movies came out, but they have clearly never read the books. The jokes about 'still a better love story than twilight' are quite moot because in fact, it is the best fictional love story I have ever come across. I am a very defensive Twihard, and probably the most ridiculously obsessed Twihard out there that is still rereading the Saga. It is the only Series I have read that I long to read again every year. The Divergent series never encouraged me to start over and delve back into the fictional lives of Tris and Tobias (maybe because it has the worst ending a series could have), The Fault in Our Stars has never invited me to join Hazel Grace and Augustus once more. Yet, every year since I first read Twilght, I miss Edward Cullen and open my beloved series once more. 

Maybe it is the fact that the books end so  joyfully, or maybe it is the fact that Edward Cullen is so absolutely perfect. Stephanie Meyer set a standard with that character that no man could ever live up to which is quite unfair. I really feel sorry for the guys out there who may decide to love me someday, but can never reach the level of perfection that Edward has. (Kidding of course, it's a fictional love story, I ain't gonna pass up the love of my life because he isn't a vampire). 

I have been 'Team Edward' since day one, and I have actually held some resentment for Jacob. I have never liked him, he always seemed childish and ridiculous compared to the mature Edward. He actually gets on my nerves with his whining and line-crossing with Bella. Jacob never loved Bella as much as Edward. I say so, because Jacob never tried to let Bella be with Edward and keep her happy, he always did what he wanted. 

I can analyze characters and explain why I am in love, but unless you are as attached and obsessed as I am, you can never understand my infatuation with the handsome Edward Cullen and his story. 

I thought I would let you in on my little (not so little) obsession. I hope you aren't too weirded out, but I promise not to continue to go on about my 'love'. 

Remember, owl be hawkward, so should you! 

Deutchland

To think...a week from now I will be in Germany. I will be in Germany. A beautiful, clean, rainy country. I will be chatting with old friends, getting to know new friends. I will be discussing plans for the next 4 weeks, eating German food, reveling in German accents. I will be experiencing what normal 16 year-olds rarely experience. I will be on an adventure. 

I can just imagine everything that will happen on the day of travel. I am trying to reach my fingers out to touch those imaginings and make them reality but it is still 12 days away. Although I know those 12 days will fly away so quickly, it feels like such a long time.  I remember when I started counting the days down at 88 days, how unbelievably long that felt. And know this dream of mine is 288 hours away! 

I keep thinking about waking up early on Monday morning of the 23rd in the hotel, so excited I couldn't sleep. Getting ready and having coffee. It is going to be so real, and I never thought it would be. 

9 months ago I longed to escape this cage I was in, and I longed to escape to the beautiful Deutchland. I thought the longing was too absurd to even satisfy, I never even asked my parents. But I did tweet about it, almost every day, wanting to go to Germany. A friend let my mom in on these tweets and one night after dinner my parents came to me and said that if I really wanted (of course I did), I could go. So we started making plans and I started making scarves, and hats, and boot cuffs. I got a job cleaning an office once a week and I cleaned the church my Dad pastor's for $20 a week. It was a lot of hard work and I was anxious I wouldn't have enough by June. Because God is so good and so merciful He orchestrated this plan for me years ago and everything has come together. All because Jesus loves me, I can go to Germany. All because He has a plan for my life and He decided to stick a 4 week trip to Germany in there in the summer of my 16th year. Crazy right? Crazy, but good. 

I can't thank Him enough and cannot help but be incredibly amazed that I have this oppurtunity. I am praying Germany will only be the first of many trips around the world, praying that next summer I can visit beautiful Gautemala, and Brazil, Englad, Spain, Africa...everywhere. 

God is good. I can only wait so much longer befor I scream. 

Remember, owl be hawkward, even in Germany! 

The Mark

Good morning folks, and happy Sunday. As most of you know, I have been at youth camp since Monday. I got back Friday evening but I was absolutely bushed, and I slept at most, 5 hours yesterday. I am struggling to keep myself from rolling over and going back to sleep until it's time to go to church. No, I can't. It has been a week since I have written here. 

What has that week been full of?

Oh my, it has been the best week of the year (so far, when I come home from Germany it may be different). I have been...so encouraged and lifted up. Not only by camp counselors, but by the little campers too. Their little faces and their excitement for camp is absolutely adorable and can turn anyone's bad day around. It has been full of fun, full of laughter, full of friendship.

It has also been a time with Jesus.

Our camp theme was In Pursuit. "I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 3:14 

Man, those few words have such a ginormous meaning. I don't even know where to begin. 

'I press toward the mark...' 

Everyone in this world is searching for something. They search for that something in different places. Some search for something in love and relationships while others search for something in success and wealth. Then there are some who search for something in drinking themselves to death and killing their brain with drugs. 

And then, there are some who have given up on searching for that something all together. Those who lay awake at night full of hatred for themselves more than a soul could fathom. Those who mutilate their flesh because they don't know what to do anymore and are so tired. Those who end up in hospitals because they did not succeed in taking their life. Those who wish they were dead so they didn't have to suffer. Those who don't even remember that there was something to search for. 

I have been there. I have given up on searching for something. Oh, but dear, sweet, readers, I found that something. Please, do not give up on searching. That something the world is searching for? His name is Jesus. Precious Jesus. And my friends, He is right in front of all of us, waiting for us to open our eyes and see Him. 

But, it doesn't sound like the writer has found Jesus. He is still pressing toward the mark. Why is that? Oh, that is because Jesus is so much that we can never fully find all of Him. Every single day we find more of Jesus. Every day, we see something magnificent about our Jesus. Granted, we don't always know what is right in front of us. That is why searching for Jesus is an ongoing pursuit. We can not find all of Him on this earth, but we do find part of Him, and that is worth more than any earthly relationship or success. 

'...for the prize...' 

Whoever is reading this, know that I am so excited. I am so excited because God's Word is so flawless...He knew that He created humans with a desire for accomplishment, so, being the infallible God He is, He gave us a prize. What could that prize be? We know that the mark we are pressing toward is Jesus. We are pursuing Him, to know Him, and be Him. What is this prize? 

Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that Day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing. (2 Timothy 4:8)

Righteousness is the prize. Humans strive for perfection. We strive for greatness, we strive to beat everyone else. The only way we could ever accomplish pure perfection is through Christ Himself. He wants us to become righteousness, because when we become righteousness, we become Him. Our '...high calling of God in Christ Jesus' is to be like Christ. And our pursuit of becoming like Christ has a prize, which is the so desired righteousness. 

I encourage you, my few but loved readers:

Keep searching because He is there with arms wide open. 

Strive to attain your prize because it is not unattainable, not when you have Jesus on your side. 

Respond to that High Calling because it is the only thing in life we can pursue that will last us eternity. 

Be like Jesus because He is so precious and loving, because He wants you. 

Do not give up, keep pressing toward your mark, for you will attain your prize.