I Am Loved

As I sit here on my couch reading, the hurt I've experience comes back up. I remember how I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't loved. 

But I also remember that I am loved, and no one can ever love me as much as He does. He knows my thoughts, and He still loves me. He forgives me, and He will love me forever. He is mine, and I am His, for eternity. And no one or nothing can ever be better than that. 

I am never too much, I am always enough -Erin James/sweetnessitself.com 

Heart Wrenching

Heart wrenching is such a strong term. It leaves in your mind the picture of some one's heart twisting and turning, leaving the person incapacitated with pain. 

When you read certain things, or hear certain stories, they make your heart turn and twist in a heart wrenching way. The sadness the characters depict becomes yours. You feel with every power in your emotions every thing the character feels. The hurt, anger, happiness, sorrow, death. 

That is why reading is so beautiful. Because for a little while, you become a different person. You feel what they feel, love who they love. 

The particular book I have in mind is Wuthering Heights. I was aloud to choose what books I read this year for my Literature credit. See, I have read The Twilight Saga at least 10-15 times, and if you've read it you know that Bella's favorite book is Wuthering Heights. Being obsessed with Twilight I wanted to read Bella's favorite book. (Isn't it funny how Carlisle was alive when it was written? hahahahah). With every single chapter, I'm seeing that Twilight was slightly modeled, if not inspired, by this book. 

If you've read the entire Twilight Series or seen the moves, you know that Edward leaves Bella in New Moon. 

Before I continue, I would like to tell you that I am literally obsessed with this series. I take offense to anyone slandering it, and if you get one fact about it wrong I will duly correct you. 

I felt the very heart ache Bella expresses with her loss of Edward. I almost cry because she is so completely lost and broken with out him. My heart wrenches every time I read New Moon. Every time.

In the exact same way, my heart wrenches for Catherine and Heathcliff. He loves her so much, but she belongs to Edgar. She is so completely insane and she cannot accept that Heathcliff loves her with his entire being. Heart wrenching indeed.

I may just be a hopeless romantic, but if I am, I sure do enjoy it. I have so few heart wrenching moments in my dull life that those in books become my own. I am indeed a hopeless romantic and shall probably have too high of expectations for love that I ruin every possible chance of my own love. If this is true, I shall bury myself in romance novels and die with a completely wrenched heart. Before I do, I hope to leave with humanity my own heart wrenching novel. 

Go read this books, fellow romantics and be heart wrenched. 

20 Reasons Why You Should be my Friend

1. If there is music, and you tell me to dance, I will. In public.

2. I will laugh really hard at all your jokes 

3. I will watch movies with you 

4. I am selfish, but I try really hard

5. I care when I ask how your day was

6. Sometimes I start randomly sing to whatever song is playing in the middle of our conversation 

7. I get hurt easily, but I forgive

8. I will eat your food if you can't finish it...always.

9. I never ever care if your room is messy 

10. I will be awkward with you 87.45% of the time 

11. I will talk too fast, mumble, and refuse to repeat myself.

12. I don't have problem telling you if the boy/girl is bad for you

13. I'll text you right after we hang out to tell you I had fun hanging out

14. I'll yell and be too loud in public.

15. Gym? Yes.

16. I will get jealous when you hang out with someone else, no matter who or what, even if I'm in a different state. 

17. I suck at sports, but I'm a happy loser. 

18. I will give you nothing for your birthday, my love is enough. 

19. I will be your friend forever and ever and ever. 

20. I will love you for who you are. 

23-01-14

Break-ups suck. The end. 

Why.

Hello.

I haven't written in a few days so here I am, taking the advantage of my in-the-moment inspiration. 

As some of you may know, I have experienced quite a bit of sorrow in the past year and a half. A lot. I have experienced an unexplainable amount of self-hatred and depression. I have sat in a mundane and dark state of mind for a long time. I have physically hurt my body because I hated who I was so much. If you have read this blog, you know this. 

Today I come to you a new person. 

Not new actually, I am the same person with a different heart and mind and body. 

I feel the desire to tell you why I do the things I do now, because that's Kaydee. She tells you what you don't really care about.

Why do I lift? 

I lift. Weights, as heavy as I can get, and I cut fat and define muscles. Why? Because when you have gone such a long time hating yourself, you want to finally appreciate you. When you have numerous bright scars on your legs, you at least want those legs to look good. I put work into my physical appearance because it makes me feel good. And we all need to feel that way. I spend time working out the hurt in my heart (because there is so freaking much) by lifting metal numerous times. I don't do it because I am vain and conceited, I do it because I want to like myself. Vanity and self-appreciation are two different things. You shouldn't humble yourself so much that you can't stand to be alive. That's not humility, that is disregarding God's work.

Why do I write?

To be frank, because my mind would explode. My mind moves so quickly that it becomes overwhelming. Also. The aforementioned hurt can not only be filtered through exercise. I am grieving right now as if someone died. And it hurts. No one has died, but I lost someone I loved dearly because they were idiotic and self-absorbed. Putting me in a situation in which I had no other choice but to lose them has hurt me more than I have ever been. I write because I have to explain that hurt to someone. Even if it is a blank page only seen by Jesus. I write to figure out who Kaydee Merritt is, and who she will be, and why she is who she is.

Thanks for your diligent reading of this unorganized and poorly written blog. This is truly my favorite place to be, and it is more than encouraging to see how many people read this. Thank you Jesus, for loving me more than anyone else does, and thank you for making me. 

Untitled

Pain. No one feels yours. Sympathy? It's a lie. Pain cuts deeper than anything. Deeper than love or hate or anger. Pain kills us all slowly without our recognition. We feel it, always. The dull ache lingers all our life, when it is not a dull ache it is a bitter death that kills us when we are weakest. People, with their well-meaning sympathy, never understand your personal pain. Yes, some say they do, but try  as they might they can never know your killer. I explain it and describe it and no one feels it. Not one human, or any other creature for that matter, feels my pain. No one knows the death I swallow for them. Yes, for them. I would swim daily in my suffering, except you, you and every single person, need me to be normal. 

Normal is so utterly over-rated. 

I swallowed it all for you. 

After being in pain, with out a break, for so many hours, days, months...you would think I'd be happy to have it as a dull ache. Ache. My heart is in pain because my reason to be in pain is gone. It's all gone and it hurts me. Can't I just have it back? Why does every one look at the marks of my pain with pity? Why does every one want to take away my pain? I need it every second of every day. I need it here, I need it on my body. Can't you please give it to me? My pain isn't wrong, it's beautiful, it's apart of me.

You're beautiful just the way you are.

Then why have you taken away myself? It is the way I am, in pain is the way I am. Yet you keep taking it away from me and forcing the lie that I am beautiful without it down my throat. 

I am not without it. I do not exist. 

Let me be in pain. When I am in pain, I am  happy.

We all cling to our pain as if our world would slip away if we let go. We never live our life in complete honesty. If we did , you would see my pain all over me. We hide our pain because we're selfish. I am selfish. I do not want you to know my hurt.

You keep trying to know. 

It is my dearest secret. My closest friend.

I swallowed it for you. One day I shall reclaim my dear pain. 

For now, I shall resign to being your ever precious normal. 

Let's be Honest

I should be doing school, but instead I'm here. But hey, this is furthering my skills and ambition in life, so taking a few minutes longer to do school doesn't kill! 

This is for all the girls, who know what it's like to be a girl. 

Let's face it, you boys do not know what it's like to be a girl. At all. And I know I know, us girls don't know what it's like to be a guy. But can't we all admit being a girl is a lot harder? 

Boys, you have like, 6 square inches to shave, if you're lucky. Girls? We have two entire freaking legs, and two armpits. 

Boys, the most you have to do for your hair is some gel, and maybe, maybe a blow drier, right? Us "women" have to figure out if we're going to curl it, straighten it, put it in a bun, leave it down, mousse, gel, hair spray, try to make it work when it's growing out. Complicated, right? And why do we spend so much time on it? Because we don't want to look like cave-women for you guys. 

Personally, I rarely dress for the guys, I dress for the general public, so I don't look like a lazy stoner. 

Boys can't even begin to understand the pain we go through...I'm not even going to get into details. We aren't ever exaggerating when we say its awful. The bloating, cramps all over your body, the break-outs, the roller coaster emotions.

Boyfriends, don't get mad at us because we're emotional, trust me when I say that we are trying our best to keep them hormones in check! It's not exactly our fault we cry over firemen saving kittens, or yell because the vampire diaries aren't on Netflix, or stop talking because our work-out was cut short. It the chemicals in our body that do that and we have very little control over that. So I'm sorry but deal with it. 

Being a guy can't be easy, sure. But you don't have to deal with the same difficulties, the difficulties that are much more difficult that yours. Just sayin'. 

So to all the girls out there reading, don't be sorry. Go ahead and watch that sad movie and cry all those tears out. Wear sweatpants all day and don't fix your hair. If guys had to do what we do, they'd do the same thing. Just be chill. We got this, heck, boys wouldn't be able to handle it.  

Coffee with Kaydee--the friend zone

Good morning, and yes, I am actually drinking coffee while I write this. 

Today, I come to you as a hurt puppy, a rejected flower, a rotten apple...or whatever. I have been cordially welcomed to the wonderful friend zone. 

I am not going to go into details, but let's just say it sucks. Although my "goal" for 2014 was to not date anyone, rejection is still not cool. 

It turns out my goal is a whole lot easier to achieve than originally thought. 

Now this isn't the first time I've been friend zoned, but this one is the most "tragic" yet. I have to admit, I don't like being here. I am going to say that I Have friend zoned people before, and now I will do so with a greater sympathy. You know what's worse than the friend zone? The family zone. Where, you aren't blood related but they see you as a cousin or sister. 

I am the sister. Ugh. 

While I sit in my comfy place in the zone, I try to accept it with ease. I mean, what's so bad about it? At least your still in contact with the person, there's no way you can get hurt, hey! Maybe you'll even meet someone in the friend zone who decides to take you out of it! 

As we all mingle in the friend zone, lets take a moment or two to accept it. If you're going to be here, make it worth your time. Friend zones aren't as bad as they seem, because its better than not knowing the person at all right? And here you can learn how to be a better person for when someone decides to sweep you  off your feet and carry you to the more than friends zone. 

Girls, there is absolutely nothing  wrong with being single. Those emotions are more likely to be even, the drama is nonexistent, you avoid painful break ups, you have time to do whatever you want with whoever you want, and most importantly, you have to grow the most important relationship in your life. And let's face it, teenage boys do NOT know how to treat us right, they don't know how to love you and you don't know how to love them.  

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with dating either! If you're 18, mature, are positive the guy is a good guy who loves The Lord and your family, has ambition, is also mature, and is ready for a relationship. If you're 16/17, dating isn't bad, but the most likely thing to happen is you fall into infatuation, then get your heart broken. 

Save yourself a lot of heart ache and become content where you're at. Singleness can be great, and if you're my age you need to be single so you can develop your personality. Having close guy friends is really good, as long as they don't get to close. Learn to love as a friend, then you can love as a wife. 

Welcome to the friend zone. May the odds be ever in your favor, and remember, owl be hawkward, so should you ;) 

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NEW YEAR NEW ME

Well, hello, beautiful. 

Sorry for my absolutely utterly cliche title, but it's a little true! In some ways. 

Like, what the crap, this doesn't look like the regular "Owl Be Hawkward" blog! It's a new year, and I was getting tired of that look, anyway. Therefore, I changed it up. Don't like it? Not my problem.

Also! After tonight, I have a brand new YouTube channel! Guess what it's called? 

If you guessed-super amazing quality I'll be famous in a month- you're wrong...
It's called, owl be hawkward. *enter shocked face here*

Lastly, I have noticed I say "so" a ton. So...ha.. I have decided to replace with new and exciting words. 

That is all! Have a wonderful evening! Remember, Owl be hawkward, so should you! ;)

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The Little Things

Hey there! 

I haven't written here in what seems like forever. I have just been so busy over Christmas break with family, friends, and all of the festivities of the holidays. It was a crazy three weeks, but I am happily settling back into my neatly carved routine. I already wrote all this out, but I tapped something and it all disappeared. 

Last night as I was about to settle down in bed, I got the deepest ache to go back  to Houston. The humidity, warmth, my Nanny's giant bath tub and plush rugs, the porch that wraps around her house, the swing, the birds and bugs. All of it. As I stood there missing my "home-away-from-home" I realized that it's the tiny things. It's the things like getting out of a tub at night and feeling the thick rug beneath your toes, the sweet comment someone left on your picture, the lady bug that lands on your finger. It's the simple, unnapreciated things that fill us with joy and contentment. God blesses us everyday with these things, yet it is rare that we stop and truly appreciate the kindnesses and sweet things. As you go about your busy day, stop, and smell those roses that come in all different forms. Kindness is contagious, give a bouquet of those sweet things to someone else, and it will keep on giving. 

Thank you for reading, here's a picture or two from my Christmas break! 

                       Our lovely tree

       Me and my sweet friend Kierra!

               The bestfriend and I

       We saw frozen-best movie ever

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       (YouTube channel coming soon!)