thoughts // coffee and donuts

"kaydee, there's donuts here so help yourself" - my mr boss man around 10 am

oh you bet i will. you shouldnt have said that. you should be thankful that its leg day or i would eat the donuts. all the donuts. by myself. and not give you any.

its good that i love gains so much because if i didn't i would eat all the friggin donuts. lets be real here folks. you love donuts. but you dont love donuts as much as i do. the self control i exercised when i didnt shove the entire donut in my mouth at once took a great deal of strength. imagine the strength it takes to dead lift 315 pounds, multply by 7, and then apply it to my donut resistance effort.

"i think im going to not have a cup of coffee and drink water instead. then if i need some caffiene, i'll drink some tea" -me around 830 am on the way to work.

"donuts! ill go make some coffee then!" - my ms boss lady around 1030 am (promptly after donuts were brought to our attention)

and out went my healthy determination through the window of regret and sugar.

now a beautiful chocolate glazed donut has been enjoyed along side  a warm cup of coffee, with no regrets but instead deep and inexplicable joy.

today is one of those days that you just want to see everyone around you smile.

with all the sadness and all around negativity life sloshes upon hearts and minds, you just want to brighten someone's day. you wanna bring their long-awaited package to them, or if they're cold, you wanna give them a hug to warm them up. even if you're own heart is cloudy, you want theirs to be warm and full of sunshine. if they're hungry, you want to make them their favorite dinner. when they tell you they are nervous or frustrated, you want to hug them and absorb it all so they can go about their day with a light load.

it's one of those days.

make someone's day a little better. smile a little more, laugh a little harder, hug a little tighter. it is a beautiful day, embrace it wholeheartedly because tomorrow could be different.

thoughts // bench press

its late, im sleepy, and i have things to do that are of much more importance than this post right now. however, there is something on my chest (no pun intended), that i really want to talk about. not because it is some deep subject, but because it has gained a great deal of importance to me and i am unabashedly excited about it.

if you read back in my archives you would find an 18 before 18 list. it was 18 things i thought i wanted to do before i turned 18 (less than 3 months from my birthday and hardly any are still a goal and few are accomplished). one of those goals was to bench press 135 lbs. as the year went on i discovered how weak i was on the bench press. i stopped implementing the bench press in my work outs because i didnt think it was a really important chest movement (boy was i wrong in that assumption! my pectoral muscles have developed a great deal since utilizing the bench press). in august, i realize that i was never going to reach my 135 lbs goal if i didnt create a plan and follow through with it. so i created a 20 week training program in attempt to help gradually build the strength to bench press 135 pounds for 2-3 repetitions.

on monday i will begin week 9 of training and i cannot express to you how extremely excited i am to reach my 135 pound goal. a 135 bench would be my body weight. i would basically be bench pressing myself. (boom. is your mind exploding?). week 9 consists of 1 warm up set, 1 light set, 2 sets at 85 pounds for 10+ repetitions, and 1 set at 95 pounds for 8-10 repetitions on monday and thursday. in week 10 (the week i am so inexplicably excited about) the first training session (on monday) will be a max out session. what i mean by that is that i will gradually add weight to the bar each set until i cant push the bar back up. the second session will be normal.

this max out session is what has me excited. i am one thousand percent confident that i can hit 115 pounds. i know it, i can feel it. can I hit 125 pounds? can i hit 135 pounds? thats the question. if i hit 115, i will be happy. but i am shooting for the stars. i will keep adding weight until i cant press it anymore. the anticipation is killing me. curiosity. (of course i could decide to max out on tomorrow, but i want to be sure that i am as ready as i can be.)
i keep picturing myself hitting 135 pounds on monday, october 5th. my gym partner josh yelling confidence in my ear, me channeling all my strength to push that weight back up. 1...2...3..., me crying out with each repitition (its been proven that yelling while lifting makes you stronger). slamming the bar back against the rack when i finish. jumping up, not giving a frickle frackle that i am screaming with excitement. tears probably coming to my eyes because i actually did it.

oh please, please please please, let me hit 135 pounds on week 10. please.

i havent wanted something so badly before. i have never had a goal that i wanted to reach, and had such passion inside me to accomplish it. i have never worked so diligently to reach a goal in my weight lifting career until this.
no one knows how deeply excited, passionate, driven, i am when it comes to this particular goal. no one knows how my heart beats a little faster when i think about this bench pressing 135 pounds.

if you arent a weight lifter, i am sure that this sounds silly (if youre a really strong girl who can already bench this much, you probably think its silly too). but to me, it is one of those things that i am blessed to be excited about. it is something that God gave to me to be passionate about.
if when i reach this goal (whether it be on october 5th or december 14th) it will be only because God allowed me to. it will only be because of his never-ending and unlimited grace upon me. some of you may not understand that. but i believe i can only lift weights in the gym the way i do because God gave me the muscles to do so. (thats one of the reasons i lift, because God gave me the muscles to do it).

i am so excited. so beyond, so speechlessly excited for the next two weeks of weight lifting. i will most definitely let you know how week ten goes.

thoughts // social media

im sitting here doing homework. my mind is often in 5 different places at once (is that a female thing or just a thing?). its on someone and how i will text them tomorrow morning. its on moving to college with my best friend (not actually happening, just thinking of the possibility), its on the actual task at hand, as well as the music that’s playing (Hugh Laurie, it’s absolute dreamy, the sound of his voice and the lyrics he sings). while my mind has been different places, it jumped to social media.

today in my house we’ve all been sort of banned from using the internet so my mom can upload a large file to her class forum (our internet is slow so something like this takes all of it). i was thinking about how free feeling it is to be completely unobligated to check facebook or snapchat, or upload a photo to instagram.

we dont realize how much time social media sucks from our day. valuable time that can be used to accomplish much more important and productive things. (or for some, social media takes away from the full concentration of a favorite television show).

i have a friend whom ive mention before, but he rarely is on any social media. he never gets on facebook, and he only is on snapchat sometimes.

ive been attempting to adopt this mindset, that only people in my actual life should know what’s (if anything) going on. as ive deleted my instagram app, ive noticed a great deal of relief (seems silly as i actually say it). i dont have to post a picture on instagram, i dont feel obligated to scroll through and like photos. it is really nice not having people know what im doing for some reason.

i try not to tweet, and i did well until yesterday. however, im on the site far less than i was before, and i have found my thoughts to be much more intelligent. as for facebook, i rarely posted before, however i do scroll through it during the day to fill empty spaces of time. it is very boring and i really dont know why i still get on there (okay probably because of those article that suck you in like ¨the top ten funniest photos you’ll see this year¨ that if you keep clicking it will go to the next article and so on).

my goal in doing this was that 1) i would create more room on my phone by deleting these apps

and 2) that i would have a more creative mindset.

so far (one week in) it has gone excellently. i have found that when i journal my thoughts are much more put together and elegant. it has allowed me to blog with much more freedom, and change what i blog about (this thoughts series is because i have put away the bulk of my social media usage). productivity levels have increased greatly as well, i dont have to pick up my phone and instagram anymore so i actually get things done. i wouldnt mind abolishing the whole thing, except that social media is a way to help increase the popularity of this blog. but you know, i wouldnt really mind just letting it be. social media is a thing, but its not a necessary thing.

i encourage you to take a week off from social media and see how it goes.

one thing i have found out from this little experiment is that im often more frequently frustrated when im with friends and they are on social media instead of all of us interacting with each other. (we typically place our phones in the middle of the table and arent allowed to check them until after we eat). not only does social media take time from productive activities and creative pursuits, it also takes time from real life bonding with one another.

i love my instagram life dearly, enjoy posting snapchat stories, and i also feel like i must  tweet about something.

but it isn’t a necessary part of my life, and i will gladly keep this going. not everyone has to know what you are doing at all times, and thoughts can be placed more detailed in a journal than they can be in a 140 character tweet.

im not a social media hater, im simply taking control of my life and using my time more usefully. boy is it sure a relief. im extremely excited to continue in my creative pursuit, for i will be using the time i would spend on social media to be a more creative person. more photography, a great deal of writing, and reading, (oh how i want to read books! havent done that in so long what with working and training and homeworking and social networking and netflixing)

before i leave, check out hugh laurie. absolutely fabulous musical artist. he will be discussed on september’s playlist most definitely. (thank you josh for this wonderful musical discovery you have given to me).

thoughts // tired.

ive been running pretty hard this week. staying up late to turn in assignments because i procrastinate too much, planning time to hang out with my best friends before i leave town for a little while, working all day, and training in the gym. i feel like mentally i havent stopped very often. when i sleep my mind is still going 1000 miles per hour so i dont feel completely rested.

the trip we're going on will be about 7weeks long, so thinking about packing is stressful. not only am i feeling stressed about packing for this trip, im also dreading it a bit because i am anxious about falling behind in the gym. (and i will miss my friends and dog immensley.)

a little about the trip is that its going to be all over the eastern united states with my family. I'll get to see old friends and go on a lot of adventure. i plan on blogging a lot about it. i would say every day but i am not committing to that.

today, i woke up earlier than usual to get breakfast before work with my best friends. i felt excellent this morning, and even through out the day. however, i am now losing it. i feel like im holding on to my energy by a thread. if i relax too much i will slip into the state of numbness and barely survive my workout.  i can feel myself avoiding (or not avoiding) yawns, forcing my eyes to open wider.

im tired.

im tired but i have a lot of ideas running through my head, as well as a long to-do list (probably not that long comparatively.)

this post is probably rubbish but i am trying this new thing where i just write and see what happens. although my mind is feeling sluggish, creativity is flowing pretty well. i feel as though when i dont try hard, better words come out. it feels more artistic and less structured and  unreal. what i mean by unreal is the plethora of blogs i see are about fashion and lily pulitzer. neither of those things light my fire, and it seems like all blogs are like that with the exception of a few. i want this to be something more real and less typical. something that only i can provide the world with, a different perspective, a different heart than the rest. anyone can share their favorite $500 shoes that none of can afford and talk about a new recipe they found. not everyone can think the things i think or feel the things i feel.

uniqueness is what i want to be. not forcibly so, but simply being myself. disorganized thoughts about being tired is who i am. tomorrow it may be different. if none find it interesting, that's okay.

i'll look back at this post in a year and think "kaydee, what were you doing? that post sucked!" but just like workouts not all of them can be the best.

thoughts // gloomy days

i wish that it would never stop raining. even though i had to peel myself off my sheets with this morning's gloom, i never want it to be ungloomy.

i played my favorite, more relaxed songs and focused on the road through my blurry windshield as i drove to work. this feeling of contentment and peace settled in my heart as i watched the raindrops fall. everything becomes okay when the sky pours. its as if all the things im struggling with in my heart and mind quiet down, they dont go away, just quiet down. when they are quiet, i remember God's love encapsulates me. he knows all my inner warring. he knows that im thirsty for a hope and a purpose. im thirsty for a burning desire to pursue him and his brilliant and unknown plan for my short life here. he knows that. he sends the rain just for me (he knows how much i absolutely love the rain because he gave that love to me), and gently whispers a call to draw closer to him. he whispers reassurances of his sovereignty, but more importantly, he whispers his desire for me to chase him.

among  my knowledge-less questioning and wondering of my purpose, among my intensified need for hope, he reminds me on this gloomy day that no matter what i do in my life, no matter where i go or who i befriend, his ultimate reason for creating me is to chase him relentlessly. though i do not always (rarely actually) know how to accomplish that, along side the drops of water, he rains patience and grace on me. he does not get frustrated or annoyed with my struggle, but continues to gently tug me closer to him.

this also is his purpose for you. i know that i only vaguely discussed my struggle, but know that his purpose for you is the same: to know and understand him, and do all it takes to accomplish that.

he does not with hold knowledge from us, he waits for us to ask and follows our request with revealing bits of himself that he knows we need.

Thus saith the Lord, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches:

But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the Lord.

jeremiah 9:23-24

 

thoughts // live life

ive thought about a lot lately. i suppose we all think about a lot all the time, but these have been deep thoughts that confuse and trouble me. so much so that they have rarely quieted down. (except when i am restlessly dreaming about being a commentator for a bodybuilding competition).

i argue with myself over this constantly.

ive been presented with lovely opportunities to travel. trips to exciting and beautiful places with lovely people. adventures have been laid in my lap and i have had to ignore them. each time i was asked to travel, my heart fluttered and my mind was filled with the imaginings of what would happen, the memories that would be made and the lovely experiences i would hold onto forever. oh the places i could go! my heart dreams of  going everywhere and that dream is within grasp.

 after thinking and hoping that it would be possible, running through the budget, how i would travel, and the way i would present the idea to my parents...i unfortunately reply to the invitation with a regretful 'no, i can't make the expenses work because i have to save for college.'

i think to myself, someday you can live, in the future you can take those trips and truly live life rather than being stuck in your small town at your small job, doing the same things daily. 

a part of me becomes bitter, because i don't want to spend thousands of dollars at college, getting in debt, only to work a job so that i can pay off students loans and buy myself groceries. i don't want to have to save my money and decline trips to go to college when i dont even know what i will study! i dont want to stay in my small town with my small job driving 30 miles every morning. i want to leave and travel and have fun, be adventurous, try new things and see new people. 

but i cant. because i need a car, and i need an education. (although sometimes i really really really dont want an education, i just want to leave).

i found a lot of flaws in my thinking. i constantly argue with myself about college, (you really cant live a decent life without somewhat of a college education). i will need a car, obviously i cant drive my brother's forever. but the biggest flaw was that someday i'm going to live. that was the silliest thought i had. 

i suddenly stopped thinking about someday, and started thinking about today. right now, im living. i wont be living anymore in ten years than i am right now. 

driving to work, laughing at my coworker, having a blast lifting my face off in the gym, cleaning my bathroom, that is me living life. sure. it may not be as exciting as traveling the world, but its what i have. enjoying life while its here is important, but taking it seriously is just as important. i have at least 45 years left to live, so i gotta use it well. 

when i think about it, adventure is awesome, but i cant wait around for it. i have to make sure i live life and enjoy every moment that i have been blessed to have. i have to make the life that i am living now the best i can because i dont know if i'll live 45 more years, i may only live one or two more. i have to make adventure, not wait for it.

i dont know what im going to do with the rest of my life, but i know that tomorrow i am going to go work, and im going to make the day as awesome as i can. whether or not the day is boring and mediocre, its the day i have.

i can no longer think that life will be lived in 10 years, because life is being lived right now, and i shall make it grand always. 

loving these shoes in blue

this youtube video makes me laugh (especially the end)

missing this beautiful pacific coast sunset

Playlist // August

I'm gonna be honest, I have no idea what I'm going to be posting here this month. For some reason, I can't bring myself to plan things out this time. Maybe I will in a day or two, but this week it's just whatever comes to mind. What's on my mind right now is music, so I'll just share with you a few of my favorites from August (there are a lot more than a few, but that would take a long time to write down...).
 I have my bitter cup of coffee (it does not taste fantastic today), and Spotify is open, so let's jam.

 

BORNS | // ELECTRIC LOVE

  i cant resist dancing to this song whenever it comes on my spotify. its full of happiness.

 KING CHARLES | // WILDE LOVE // IVORY ROAD // COCO CHITTY // IVORY ROAD

my coworker/gym partner/friend introduced my to king charles about a month ago and i fell in love with their sound. each of these songs make me feel so much. their sound is insanely awesome and it was difficult to not post the entire album. these songs are my favorite favorite ones and i recommend listening to them.

YOUNG THE GIANT | // STRINGS // APARTMENT // COUGH SYRUP 

i listened to young the giant when i was 14, only cough syrup though. however, ive found that he has other songs that are as good, if not better. the vertebrata in the song 'strings' makes my heart feel all warm and fuzzy. the feels are strong with this artist.

PHARRELL WILLIAMS | // HUNTER // LOST QUEEN

you know those songs that just make you feel good? yeah, these are those songs. i didnt really like the entire album, but these two songs stuck out to me. i havent been feeling this genre as of late, but whenever these songs come on, i dont skip.

CAGE THE ELEPHANT | // SHAKE ME DOWN // ABERDEEN

cage the elephant is another throwback band that i used to listen to a few years ago, but only one song (aint no rest for the wicked). aberdeen and shake me down are two of their more relaxed songs and  they are fantastic. much awesome. so good.

PENTATONIX | // DAFT PUNK // NATURAL DISASTER // AHA! 

im pretty sure we can all agree that pentatonix is an exquisite a Capella group, probably the best around. they have such a unique and powerful sound (i love avi kaplan, their bass singer). these are just a few of their covers that i cant get enough of. daft punk is probably my favorite of the three because they do such an amazing job at the bass sounds.

ALTER BRIDGE | // BROKEN WINGS

alter bridge is more of a rock band, but broken wings is a more chill song. it is still rock, but it's not intense, not a pump up song for your next work out. i like the lyrics for this song. its such a good jam, with a powerful sound. and yet again, im all up in my feels when i hear it.

Obviously I have been in a more relaxed mood as of late, you can tell by the majority of these songs not being as crazy enthusiastic as they could have been. What are some jams you've been listening to lately? 

As always have a great day, and I hope your coffee was better than mine. Talk to you next time!

 

September First

The first day of September is a gloomy one (my favorite kind of day). the clouds are heavy and the sun is hidden, making it all the more difficult to pull myself out of bed. I hope it doesn't come off as too crazy, but I'm happy to say goodbye to summer.

Don't get me wrong, summer was fantastic. I just feel more comfortable and at ease in the fall air. I don't know what it is about the air. Some magical mixture of warmth and cool. Not enough to make you cold, but just enough to be able to wear a light sweater.  Then gradually the leaves begin to change color. From Dark green to orange and yellow. The light breeze pulls them gently away from the trees and to the ground.

I love how clouds cover the sky more regularly, how especially comforting the warm mug between my hands feels.  I'm happy to embrace all the lovely orange and brown colors, to plop a beanie on my head and call it fashion. It's good to go through my closet and find all the best sweaters, to pull out the boots and leg warmers. (come sooner).

Candles that smell of cinnamon and pumpkin, cookies that taste like pumpkin, and actual pumpkins. Scarves and boots, and lots of hugs.

One of my favorite things is when my family and I drive up to the mountains to see the aspens in their brilliant array of orange and yellow. This fall, we'll be in the eastern United States and the leaves will be red. I can picture how breathtaking it will be.

Summer, you brought sweet memories and warmth, but fall will bring sweeter memories and cool days.

I'm ready to say goodbye to fields of sunflowers and blazing suns. I'm ready to welcome the cool air and cloudy days, pumpkin everything, and warm sweaters. I think that's when my heart is happiest. This fall will bring so many wonderful trips and adventures, and I'm growing weary of waiting. Happy Fall Season, friends!