ive thought about a lot lately. i suppose we all think about a lot all the time, but these have been deep thoughts that confuse and trouble me. so much so that they have rarely quieted down. (except when i am restlessly dreaming about being a commentator for a bodybuilding competition).
i argue with myself over this constantly.
i argue with myself over this constantly.
ive been presented with lovely opportunities to travel. trips to exciting and beautiful places with lovely people. adventures have been laid in my lap and i have had to ignore them. each time i was asked to travel, my heart fluttered and my mind was filled with the imaginings of what would happen, the memories that would be made and the lovely experiences i would hold onto forever. oh the places i could go! my heart dreams of going everywhere and that dream is within grasp.
after thinking and hoping that it would be possible, running through the budget, how i would travel, and the way i would present the idea to my parents...i unfortunately reply to the invitation with a regretful 'no, i can't make the expenses work because i have to save for college.'
i think to myself, someday you can live, in the future you can take those trips and truly live life rather than being stuck in your small town at your small job, doing the same things daily.
a part of me becomes bitter, because i don't want to spend thousands of dollars at college, getting in debt, only to work a job so that i can pay off students loans and buy myself groceries. i don't want to have to save my money and decline trips to go to college when i dont even know what i will study! i dont want to stay in my small town with my small job driving 30 miles every morning. i want to leave and travel and have fun, be adventurous, try new things and see new people.
but i cant. because i need a car, and i need an education. (although sometimes i really really really dont want an education, i just want to leave).
i found a lot of flaws in my thinking. i constantly argue with myself about college, (you really cant live a decent life without somewhat of a college education). i will need a car, obviously i cant drive my brother's forever. but the biggest flaw was that someday i'm going to live. that was the silliest thought i had.
i suddenly stopped thinking about someday, and started thinking about today. right now, im living. i wont be living anymore in ten years than i am right now.
driving to work, laughing at my coworker, having a blast lifting my face off in the gym, cleaning my bathroom, that is me living life. sure. it may not be as exciting as traveling the world, but its what i have. enjoying life while its here is important, but taking it seriously is just as important. i have at least 45 years left to live, so i gotta use it well.
when i think about it, adventure is awesome, but i cant wait around for it. i have to make sure i live life and enjoy every moment that i have been blessed to have. i have to make the life that i am living now the best i can because i dont know if i'll live 45 more years, i may only live one or two more. i have to make adventure, not wait for it.
i dont know what im going to do with the rest of my life, but i know that tomorrow i am going to go work, and im going to make the day as awesome as i can. whether or not the day is boring and mediocre, its the day i have.
i can no longer think that life will be lived in 10 years, because life is being lived right now, and i shall make it grand always.
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